


In Which Tony Stark Loses Something Dear to His Heart

by nwhepcat



Series: A Series of Sometimes Contradictory Stories in Which Loki Messes with Tony Stark and IT'S NOT FUNNY, DAMMIT! [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Gen, Gender or Sex Swap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2014-01-06
Packaged: 2018-01-07 17:45:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1122633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nwhepcat/pseuds/nwhepcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From his flurry of texts, Pepper knows something has Tony upset. </p>
<p>• Calm down and tell me what you lost.<br/>• YOU CLAM DOWN<br/>• NOT LOST STOLEN</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Tony Stark Loses Something Dear to His Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Themistoklis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Themistoklis/gifts).



Pepper's in the limo on her way back from a mentoring group meetup, which always puts her in a good mood. God, she loves these mini-dynamos, high school girls with ambition that she can shape before they see too much _Celebrity Apprentice_. They make her laugh so much, and they make her heart melt. She has a full hour free on her schedule before her next meeting, time she carves out after every mentoring session so she can hang onto the good mood. Happy's fighting the traffic to her favorite boutique, where there's a trunk show of her favorite indie designer. 

Days just don't get better than this.

Her cell beeps with an incoming text. Tony.

• FUCK SHIT PEPPER WHERE IS MY DICK

• LOL, she texts back, because she is.

• IT'S NOT FUNNY

• MY DICK IS GONE

_Oh, Autocorrect, how so awesome?_ she thinks. She can't bear to ask for clarification yet, because -- well, because she's twelve. Maybe she can figure it out by context.

• When did you have it last?

• WTF I ALWAYS HAVE IT

She frowns, thinking. What does he always have? His phone, his tablet, his arc reactor. Jarvis. She can't imagine any of these auto correcting to dick. 

• Calm down. Tell me what you've lost.

• YOU CLAM DOWN

• NOT LOST STOLEN

Pepper sighs. _Goodbye trunk show._

• Do you want me to call the police?

• OH SURE AND PAGE SIX WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

• NO!!!

The "No!!!" is just overkill. The Page Six reference is enough. Pepper knows full well how much Tony despises the _Post_.

• Tell me what they took. It keeps autocorrecting as dick.

• THAT'S NOT AUTOBAHN!

• AUTOMOBILE

• GDI ATO CORRECT

• I MEANT DICK. DELTA INDIA CHARLIE KILO

• oh god tony, are you bleeding?

"Happy, change of plan. We need to get to the mansion. Something's happened to Tony." His sudden two-lane change sends her sliding across the back seat.

• NO BLOOD. JUST WOKE P ADN ITS GONE. FML

• I'm on my way.

• Stay with me. Tell me about yesterday. Were you working with any hazmat?

• NO. TINKERING WITH SCHEMATICS.

• Anything unusual happen?

• LOL.

_What?_

• Tony, you asshole.

She really could use a macro for that phrase. 

• I'm missing a trunk show for this.

• NOT LOL.

• SO NOT LOL RIGHT NOW.

• LOL

• GDI

• L O K I

• THOR SAID HE GOT LOOSE

• FUCK

Pepper could agree with that sentiment. 

• Almost there. Do you need Happy?

• GOD NO.

• Where are you?

• WORKSHOP 

It takes some effort to convince Happy he isn't needed at Tony's side. As the garage door ascends, he's rummaging for extra clips. 

"There's no immediate threat," Pepper assures him. She hopes she's right. As she runs for the workshop, she sheds her coat, bag and briefcase along the way. Taking a deep breath as she pauses at the doorway, she gathers herself and keys in the door code. She steps inside the dimly lit room, softly calling, "Tony?"

It takes a moment, but then she spots him stretched out on the sofa at the far end of the room, knees bent upward, elbow crooked up toward the ceiling, obscuring his face. Something looks off, but she can't quite place it. 

"Yeah," she says. His voice seems odd too, and Pepper hurries across the workshop to him, just as he shifts and then sits up.

Or rather, she sits up.

Oh, it's definitely Tony. The tangled length of dark hair, the wide, brown eyes that signal _Tony is presently freaking out, please try your call again later_. The blue glow of the arc reactor between a pair of midsize breasts. 

"Tony?" she whispers stupidly, because she absolutely knows this is Tony. 

"Pep," he says, voice sounding strangled.

"You're a woman," she says, again feeling utterly stupid. 

"Told you."

A surge of anger sweeps through Pepper, surprising her with its sudden force. "No, you didn't. You went on at great length about the disappearance of your dick. The fact that I, your fucking CEO, have to tell you a woman is more than the absence of a penis really pisses me off."

Tony stares at her with abject misery. "It's just...I'm kind of attached to it. We've been through a lot together." Drawing in a ragged breath, he looks away. "Plus, I've got serious --" another even shakier breath -- "issues with people rummaging around my body."

Pepper drops onto the sofa next to him and puts an arm over his shoulders, pulling him close. "We'll fix this, okay?"

Tony gives no answer, but leans into her side, their scents of Eau d' Hadrien and machine oil mingling.


End file.
